If you’re reading this blog, you’ve probably been to a couple of Christmas Eve church services. Here are some basic guidelines:

1. Thou shalt not have more poinsettias on stage than persons in the audience.

Coulda sworn there was a stage in here somewhere.

2. Thou shalt place bets on the chances the female soloist hits the high note in “O Holy Night.”

(Or any of the notes for that matter.)

3. Thou shalt not make thy Christmas Eve services longer than the attention spans of thy children.

(Cuz all the kids are sorta like this on the inside on Christmas Eve.)

4. Thou shalt not substitute 21st century wing-dings for long-held traditions.

Something like this’ll work.

5. Thou shalt not give candles to unsupervised children for thy candlelight service.

This is what happens.

6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Christmas sweater.

Unless it’s this one, of course.

7. Thou shalt find a way to sing as many of these songs as possible.

8. Thou shalt not admit church members in Santa Claus garb—this is not the mall or a parade.

Any Santa other than the real one is just creepy.

Ho ho NO

9. Thou shalt not perpetuate myths about the birth of thy Lord, Jesus, the Christ.

It prrooooobably didn’t look like this.

10. Thou shalt not use real camels in thy Christmas Eve service, because: